Matters of the Heart: How learning about my completely open heart center changed my life
IT’S EASIEST TO EXPLAIN THIS WITH A PERSONAL EXAMPLE.
I have a Completely Open Heart Center, and when I learned this about myself, I nearly collapsed in tears. I have struggled with my own self-esteem and sense of self-worth my entire life. I always thought it was because of my traumatic childhood. One that included being kept from my biological father by my own mother and being unclaimed by my stepfather. Growing up, love was highly conditional. I pushed myself academically and athletically to be the absolute best because I thought it would make me worthy of love and valuable to everyone around me. I placed my sense of self-esteem in the hands of people who were unequipped and unworthy of the job.
IT WASN’T PRETTY.
This pattern continued into adulthood. I looked for bosses, boyfriends, husbands, in-laws, and friends to tell me I was good enough. When they didn’t? My self-esteem plummeted, and I felt completely and utterly worthless. I spent hours of my life trying to figure out what I could’ve done better or differently so that people would see just how valuable and worthy I was of their time, attention, money, and love. Need the laundry done? I’ve got you. My mother-in-law’s birthday is coming next week? I’ll find the gift and card. Do you need me to stay a little later at work to help with something? Of course, I will. A friend needs something, and I’m exhausted? I’m still there. It goes almost beyond people-pleasing. It was this unrelenting sense of having to prove that I am worthy at every turn.
So when I read that this is precisely how a dysregulated Completely Open Heart Center operates, I felt seen, heard, and understood in a way I never had before. I also saw how I was abandoning myself by allowing my sense of self-esteem, worthiness, and value to rest in the minds, hearts, and hands of those around me. I felt sad for myself, nearly heartbroken. How had I done this to myself? How had I let so many people and situations dictate how I felt about myself?
By giving them the power to do so.
I vowed at that moment to work on this, and it has been an ongoing practice. For instance, while working on this workshop, I took a break and logged on to Instagram only to see that barely anyone had liked my most recent post or taken the time to watch my story, and I spiraled. The “no one gives a sh*t, who am I even to be writing about this stuff? I don’t feel like working on this today because clearly, no one cares what I have to say” nonsense started playing in my head. In the past, I would’ve taken these thoughts as fact and given up (see how that whole inconsistent willpower thing works?) But instead, I gave myself grace. I reminded myself that I am worthy of whatever I want, whatever I choose to do, say, or share, simply because I AM. I reminded myself that my value is not based on Instagram likes or website visitors. My value is in who I AM. I allowed myself to take a break, read, and puzzle. Then I woke up today recharged and ready, my sense of self-esteem and willpower stronger. I can do this because I know my Human Design.
I work hard to limit how much I berate myself and put myself down. I work hard making sure I surround myself with people who value me for ME. I work hard at being my own best friend because I am sensitive and openhearted. Qualities that when left unchecked, wreck havoc on my life, but when given boundaries and shown some love, become my superpower. That gives me the will to push forward and boosts my self-esteem.
My ongoing practice: to catch myself anytime I feel the pressure to PROVE anything. To stop, check-in, and remind myself that validation comes from within. I am WORTHY. I am VALUABLE. I CAN DO THIS. This practice only exists because I took the time to learn myself through Human Design.
